Family, Forgiveness, and Formation: the Jason Hopkins' Story Part 3

What happens when the challenges of the mind meet the steadfastness of faith? Join me, Jason Hopkins, as I recount my journey through the emotional storms of PTSD and rediscovered memories in this compelling episode. Drawing strength from 2 Timothy 4, I'll share how my early married life and shift from criminology to psychology led to a fulfilling ministry career. Hear about my impactful work at a residential treatment center and the profound inspiration I found at East Hill Church under Pastor Ted Roberts, which played a pivotal role in my healing and spiritual development.

But life’s path is rarely straightforward. The joyous news of becoming a father was tempered by my ongoing struggle with mental health issues, culminating in a gut-wrenching diagnosis of dissociative identity disorder (DID) following a troubling incident with my brother Jeramy. Through the support of therapy and unwavering faith, I aim to merge these fragmented parts of myself. Listen as I navigate the intersections of family life, personal growth, and spiritual resilience, all while seeking forgiveness and closure from past wounds, especially with my estranged mother. This episode is a raw and honest look at the power of faith and therapy in overcoming life's most daunting hurdles.

*The intro and outro music is entitled "Lite Saturation" composed by 'Epic,' utilized from the source Free Music Archive (FMA) and licensed for commercial and person use (CC BY-ND

Chapters

• 0:01 Personal Testimony and Journey to Hope
• 6:19 Journey to Forgiveness and Closure
• 16:41 Unveiling Dissociative Identity Disorder

Transcript

Speaker 1: 0:01

Welcome to the Hopeful Perspective podcast. I am your host, jason Hopkins. If you are with me today, there's a real chance. You've already taken time to listen to the first two segments of my story, where I reveal the vision that this podcast can bring to your life and cause you to go from a survivor to thriver, a victim to a victor, as well as from a hopeless sufferer to a hopeful storyteller. Today, I'm going to take some time and continue to share with you my testimony, or my story, of how I came to the place of the hopeful perspective. So I encourage you to grab your favorite snack, hot or cold beverage, get comfortable and come on this journey with me as I continue to share with you a most vulnerable, honest portrayal of my origin story.

Speaker 1: 0:51

Before I resume my story, I would like to give a quick word and be real about the impact the podcast is having on me as it continues to grow. I have received a number of social media DMs and messages and text messages from people I have known, friends and family that are from my history. Most definitely, the bulk of these are filled with encouragement and compliments about my undertaking in bringing hope into a dark and hopeless world. Yet I have also received some earth-shattering kind of revelations about some of my history. That has truly caused me to ask the question if this is all worth the potential PTSD, the flashbacks, the new memories, or people coming forward with new information and the impact it may have on my stability. Initially I was beginning to have doubts due to my sleep and dream state being adversely affected, but in my quiet time before bed last night, the Lord spoke to me out of 2 Timothy, chapter 4, when the Apostle Paul is nearing the end of both his earthly life as well as his ministry, and yet he doubles down on what Christ's followers should do in the face of persecution. I knew then what God was saying to me should be my own response Not to give up this podcast for fear of the enemy retaliating in my PTSD, my memories or the, such to the point of feeling unsupported or misunderstood, as in 2 Timothy 4, verse 16. Rather, paul acknowledges the Lord stood at his side, gave him strength, so why? That the message might be fully proclaimed and all the Gentiles might hear it. He concludes in verse 18 that the Lord will rescue him from every evil attack and bring Paul safely home to the heavenly kingdom, and to him be the glory forever and ever, and I just wanted to share the current struggle and battle. I am walking through with the podcast and say it is worth it for the message of hope to be heard for all the Gentiles, all the generations, and that I know God is at my side and he will deliver me from the lion's mouth and rescue me from every evil attack. Perhaps many of you need to hear that word right now, facing the warfare that you are. So pray with me that his will be done on earth in your life as it is in heaven.

Speaker 1: 3:34

I left off last time in the story, having been newly married and starting my new life as an adult. At the time I married, I was working at a residential treatment center called Albertina Kerr. Here I worked with adolescent boys in a group home similar to the ones I was in growing up. After a stint in the boys' home, I then worked in a girls' home for adolescents with disabilities. In both cases I was honing and refining my leadership skills as I became a lead staff member for the shifts and learning to apply both my abbreviated education in psychology and social services as well as my life experience having been in the place that these teens now found themselves. This was truly one of the significant joys of my life to date, as I fell in love with the kids and left each shift inspired to come back. At this point in my journey, having been newly married and starting my adult life, I was insistent on getting a degree in psychology. However, when I was first going to school, I thought I wanted to be in criminology, and so this was my first major I was studying for. This did eventually change the psychology and eventually I decided to fulfill the actual call the Lord had on my young life.

Speaker 1: 4:49

At the time we were first married, we began attending a church that was one of the largest in the state East Hill Church in Gresham. The lead pastor was this phenomenally gifted communicator who shared from the pulpit as vulnerably as I have ever heard. He shared of his own trials and tribulations having seven stepfathers and being abused when he was younger. Further, he authentically talked of addictions he had overcome, from alcohol to sex addiction. Ted Roberts spearheaded a well-known ministry called Pure Desire, which assisted those enthralled in their pornography and sex addiction. I identify with every one of these issues and desired victory over addictions that I was currently in bondage to. I became involved in For Men Only, an accountability group system that provided support for men active in their addiction. Further, I enrolled in the Oregon College of Ministry, a Bible college the church had on their own campus. You see, at this point in my life I had therapeutically been healing for many years from the trauma I had experienced and I was in as good of a place I had ever been. I now insisted on going to Bible college, eventually seminary and then pursuing the call of pastor that was on my life. The Bible college was an incredibly intimate learning environment and I was introduced to friends that I still cherish to this day. This enabled me to grow exponentially in both my faith and the study of the Bible, as well as simultaneously continuing to work on the issues that I battled, coping with my tumultuous past.

Speaker 1: 6:19

My wife and I learned about a year following our vows that she was pregnant with our first child. This is one of the most ecstatic moments of my life. That she was pregnant with our first child. This is one of the most ecstatic moments of my life as I was stoked to become a father. We were living in our first place together in a two-bedroom apartment not far from where her parents lived. My best friend and his now wife also lived in the same complex and we argued back and forth as to who followed who to their residential spaces. My wife was now pursuing her dreams to be a teacher, having balanced out her college courses with a teaching practicum. I was involved in the church, joining a co-edged church softball league that was the same league my father-in-law played in for many years. This was an incredible experience that will always stick with me, as it was following a game in the middle of the August heat, where Cass, my hero, even kept score for us, nine months pregnant and all. And it was that evening that my wife's water broke on our living room couch as we were getting ready for bed. I'll never forget that moment, as she was so pumped up and eager to get her go bag that we had prepared that she bypassed putting on footwear and barely let me put on pants before she was scurrying down the stairs from our apartment on the second floor, my eldest daughter, caden, would be born August 4th 2004, and our lives were changed for the incredible. We were now a family. No longer were we able to live for ourselves or be motivated merely on what satisfied our wants and needs. We now had an infant dependent on us for life. Well, I hope she doesn't remain an infant for life, but you get the point. Cass was working part-time while still going to school and I was working at the residential treatment center. Still Yet, an incredible door was opened that was presented to me In our church, and specifically the Bible College, there was an internship program that was headed up by the youth pastor of the church.

Speaker 1: 8:19

Pastor Dan was an encouraging, inspirational man who was a former Olympic wrestler turned youth pastor. At the time I was serving in the youth ministry alongside a good friend I met in Bible College, who has since gone home to the Lord. We satisfied a need on Sunday mornings. As there was no high school group that met during the adult church services, the main high school group ministry met on Wednesday nights. My friend and I, alongside our wives, began a Sunday morning youth ministry to high schoolers, famously called Liquid 242. Liquid because Jesus was our everlasting waters that we drink from and we never thirst, and 242 because in the youth ministry the small groups that meant were called 242 groups out of the book of Acts, chapter 2, verse 42, where we read about how the early disciples in the first church devoted themselves to the apostles' teaching and to fellowship, to the breaking of bread and to prayer. This was the vision behind the groups. What ended up occurring was spectacular, as our small group ended up outgrowing the space we occupied and pushed 30 to 40 students.

Speaker 1: 9:30

At its peak, pastor Dan Russell witnessed the growth and effectiveness of the ministry and, as a result, offered me a paid position in the youth ministry where I could grow and hone my pastoral gifts while in Bible college. This was a huge answer to prayer, as I was literally in between jobs at this point and was in the process of actually beginning a job at Starbucks just to make ends meet. I was ecstatic to have to turn down this position at Starbucks before I even started for the occupational ministry I felt called to. Eventually, my roles would expand and I was operating in the role of a high school pastor my first ministry experience. My wife would serve as one of our adult leaders and bring our ever-growing toddler on Wednesday nights to join in the worship and ministry.

Speaker 1: 10:17

A year and a half after the birth of our first, we learned that Cassidy was pregnant again. This was shocking to us that it occurred as quickly as it had. Yet our little family was expanding. We were now living in a new apartment complex, further away from our church and her family. Yet we had to look for a new place just because of the crazy behavior of our surrounding neighbors who would awaken our infant all hours of the night. This led to the purchase of our first house. That get this was a few houses down from my best friend and his wife, so I guess that settled the argument as to who was following who, as it pertained to our residential situation. Our first house was a red three-bedroom, two-bathroom-style ranch house with a backyard that was perfect for our growing family. We could hold our church small groups there, as well as host friends and family as never before. At this point, around eight to nine months after the birth of my second daughter, kinsey, we discovered we were pregnant a third time. We were overjoyed at the notion of another child, though at this point we would have three kids under the age of five. Cass had graduated from school and now had her own classroom and I serving in the church. Church During this season, I still battled mental health issues in the form of depression that would affect me, as well as continued PTSD episodes.

Speaker 1: 11:42

Given the fact I desire to heal from my past wounds. I heard of a free Christian counselor working through Good Samaritan Ministries who would take me on to her caseload. The hour and a half drive would be worth the wisdom, the counsel and the healing that I would gain from Betty. She was an older, wise, extremely direct person and I respected her upfront nature. One incredible day we were discussing the wounds of my past and she uttered these words to me you need to forgive your mother, jason. I was taken back by the notion, as I felt I had forgiven her, or so I thought Further. Betty made this proclamation you will have an opportunity to forgive her Now this. I pretty much coiled back and scoffed at the hearing of this prophetic word. I mean, how would that be possible? I had heard from my mother for 15 years and last I'd heard she was homeless in the state of Arizona. She had given birth to another daughter who would be my half-sister, who she then left at the hospital upon her release to be given over as another ward of the state of Arizona. Shiloh Ray was adopted by a new family and the lone picture I possessed of her as an infant was all that I'd ever seen of her. At this point I did not see the logicality nor the practicality of directly forgiving my mother anytime soon, at least in person. You would never believe what occurred next.

Speaker 1: 13:17

The very next day after my counseling appointment, I received a phone call from my mother. I couldn't believe what transpired and I recall feeling bewildered, confused and truly taken back. She let me know she was coming up to Eastern Oregon to visit and take care of an outstanding warrant which had prevented her from residing in Oregon for some time. She inquired if I was interested in meeting her at the apartment my brother was renting back in Pendleton. After consulting with my wife, my counselor and my pastor, I agreed Within a month of this divine and prophetic word my counselor had given. I was in front of my mother for the first time since I was a preteen. To say it was surreal would be a ridiculous understatement. Here I was an adult with my own family, and I was talking to my mother as an equal for the first time in my life.

Speaker 1: 14:15

My mother was clearly dealing with her mental illness schizophrenia. Yet it seemed as though she was untreated, with no medications nor therapy that was necessary. Despite unknowing if she fully grasped the gravity of the situation. I went ahead one evening in between our card games and I verbally forgave my mother for all the abuse, neglect and the repercussions of my past. Her response was one that she felt that she had done everything she could as a mother and that she was screwed over by their social services and any other authority she could assign blame to. I knew these to be the words of someone who was vulnerable in her mental illness and I recognized they had no bearing on this divine moment of forgiveness that she was deserving of.

Speaker 1: 15:05

Following this encounter, as well as her resolving her warrant issue, she headed back to Bullhead City, arizona, and we stayed in touch via the phone every now and again. That was until I received another fateful phone call from the coroner's office in Arizona. My mother was deceased. The cause of death unsuspicious, but with extremely high percentages of drugs in her system. It had the looks of a suicide, according to the coroner, albeit they could not confirm this one way or the other.

Speaker 1: 15:40

The impact this had on me was one I never anticipated, as I was taken back to the very evening I had learned similar news regarding my birth father. I was deeply saddened. We had just become reacquainted and now I was officially an orphan. My children would never know their paternal grandparents and I would not know what a possibly redeemed relationship with my mother could look like. However, I had this sense of closure about the whole situation. My mother was able to hear the gospel before she died and she also was able to hear me forgive her and release, hopefully, whatever burden she may have carried about a role in my upbringing. This was a deeply holy and spiritual necessity for me and my healing going forward. Yet, as was often the case in these kind of dark and transitional moments, I was triggered internally.

Speaker 1: 16:41

For some time, my brother had come to visit, as he sometimes did, and a most peculiar event opened up in the next dark phase of my life. One evening, when Jeremy, my brother, was over, we ended up in a bit of an argument. Now, oftentimes when I communicated with my brother, it was difficult for us to converse together due to a number of reasons. One, his autism made communication difficult at times in terms of grasping things that he would hear. Further, he was exhibiting several symptoms of paranoia schizophrenia my mother had been diagnosed with. Now, schizophrenia can have a genetic component to it and though he was never officially diagnosed, it would surprise no one who knew Jeremy if he indeed was inflicted as well. In any case, jeremy and I had a disagreement one evening and he made a reference and comparison to me with our mother.

Speaker 1: 17:41

I did not recall the events that happened next. All I remember was coming to what seemed a moment later and my wife and I were now alone in our living room. She proceeded to tell me that I had gotten up angry after my brother had said what he did, and I jumped across our couch ottoman and struck him in the face with my fist and ordered him out of our house while I threw his belongings out with him. Now, the shock of this whole event had layers of implication. For one, I was a pastor now and for the most part any anger management issues I had were resolved in my past, so it seemed. Second, I held my brother in the highest of esteem. I knew he had issues with communication, issues with paranoia, issues that were unresolved. My capacity and countenance with Jeremy was one that was patient, loving, etc. And I would never lift a hand against him, let alone anyone else. Would I allow that to happen. But the most shocking aspect of this incident was that I did not remember it happening.

Speaker 1: 18:55

What unfolded next was I opened up to my pastor and my mentor, who was walking with me in terms of my faith and was also one of my superiors. I let him know in vivid detail about when it occurred. Now, I didn't know if it was something I would be disqualified from ministry about or what possible repercussions and consequences would ensue. He referred me to our church psychologist. You see, our church was one of the few I'd heard of that exercise an integrated view of mental health. That Jesus, that exercise an integrated view of mental health, that Jesus and tools of this world such as in psychology could both be used by the Holy Spirit to restore and assist in our mental health. So our church had a Bible-believing psychologist on staff as ironic as that might sound, and I knew her well. When she heard about what occurred in this event with my brother, she proceeded to refer me again to a good friend and colleague, one who specialized and treated issues of dissociation.

Speaker 1: 19:56

Within a few weeks of the incident, I was in front of Dr Alice Moody. She asked my wife to come in with me during our first couple appointments and this signaled the next difficult part of our journey together as a couple as well as a dark era of my life. Upon hearing of my mental health issues, my traumatic past, etc. She diagnosed me with dissociative identity disorder, or what you commonly have heard, formerly referred to as MPD multiple personality disorder, formerly referred to as MPD multiple personality disorder I was shocked. I could not believe what I was hearing. She asked me to trust her and, given that she too was a Christian psychologist, she even encouraged me in my faith to trust the Lord in this journey. She asked me to begin meeting regularly. During the first few sessions I had more questions than answers. See, my wife fully endorsed this diagnosis of me and felt that it explained so much of my life as she experienced it with me. I was more skeptical. I even found myself becoming paranoid.

Speaker 1: 21:06

In learning about DID dissociative identity disorder I discovered that it could only be created in toddlers between the ages of, say, two and six. What occurs is when something so traumatic that overwhelms our survival instinct in our senses and this event occurs with repetition then our survival senses in our core identity fragment, then our survival senses in our core identity fragment. Each fragmentation consists of a personality created to deal with the horrific or traumatic events. I knew I couldn't remember anything from the first five to six years of my life. So this part checked out with me. My psychologists informed me that the job of my multiple personalities or identities was to protect me and their secondary goal was to remain undiscovered by my one true identity that we called my Christian host. Then I was taken through the layers of dissociation, where I can be present with my Christian host alone, be co-present with my host, and necessary personalities triggered to protect me, or I could fully dissociate and the protective personality takes charge of the frontal lobe and the Christian host remains in my deep survival system known as the limbic system. Each personality had a specific role, particular gifts and distinguishing features unique to well the personality. Further, each personality could also be traumatized and therefore have their own PTSD.

Speaker 1: 22:39

I inquired more and more of my psychologists regarding this new diagnosis Like why did I not know of these various and multiple personalities before? Diagnosis Like why did I not know of these various and multiple personalities before? This was because their role was to remain subtle and hidden. For one and for two, I was now in the most secure and mature place I'd ever been. So personalities were now feeling safe enough to be less subtle and secure enough to begin crying for help with the pain and trauma they carried. So, in terms of my suffering, theology and practical application within my faith, the Lord had actually protected me from years of dark trauma and now that I was in a place I was capable to, I can now heal once and for all.

Speaker 1: 23:25

But can DID be cured? I inquired. You cannot cure DID, nor can you medicate the actual symptoms. Being as DID is a personality disorder, it does not have the same chemical composition as, say, bipolar or schizophrenia do, where you can actually treat them medicinally. Rather, the goal in therapy is to reintegrate the different personalities with my Christian host. By working with each personality in the confines of a safe, preferably Christian counseling situation, settling with someone who specializes in dissociation, I could go on to live a highly functional and successful life.

Speaker 1: 24:08

So long as I committed to therapy, I just felt more pressing questions that I hesitated to ask. Yet I needed to know the answers to. Do people with DID commit suicide or do they have affairs? My therapist, unfortunately affirmed both of these, that it isn't uncommon at all for people with multiple personalities to do one the other or even both. These answers terrified me as straight up as I received them. Finally, I wondered if I could serve in ministry while living with DID. Dr Moody did me one better. If I could serve in ministry while living with DID, dr Moody did me one better. She committed to going in front of our church board my accountability, my family and even my bosses to explain this in more detail for their sake, so as to come to the most discerning outcome for me and my employment, as they could. This meeting, along with a holistic treatment plan, went on to be produced, and I was underway with my new family, this new diagnosis, and learning once again how to deal with parts of myself that were not, dare I say, normal.

Speaker 1: 25:25

The next season of my life was the most difficult to date, as now it involved not only myself, nor just my wife, but now our three children as well. Not to mention, could it actually affect the people charged under my spiritual care? One of the things I learned in this journey was that DID had an extreme spiritual component to it. Further, there was even an air of controversy surrounding the diagnosis as a whole, as to the credible nature not only of the diagnostic criteria, given many reported spiritual abuse as part of the reason for its inception in people, but that I will go more into later. This even led to feeling my paranoia and skepticism regarding the diagnosis for a long time.

Speaker 1: 26:11

However, as I went deeper and deeper into healing and more of the personalities revealed themselves, I would be given no choice to accept the premise of it and the fact. My experiences and those of my wife justified the diagnosis. We are now at the year 2007 or so and a great national recession would affect the economy and, given that churches are not recession-proof, even pastors and ministry positions were subject to being laid off. Though I was at one point considered to be one of the up-and-coming young ministers of our church whom many saw the potential of, I would go on to be laid off during the first wave from the church. This wasn't long after my diagnosis and I really believed in my deep heart that the diagnosis itself played into me being let go, considering some of the people in the same youth department I occupied were far newer than me did not lose their position. However, what I saw as a great reason for possible resentment or despair would end up being a grand blessing in disguise. Initially, I started breaking down, losing track of time. Personalities were taking over. After losing my job. I would go on to participate in healing and therapy at an outpatient facility in Baldwin, michigan, that was renowned and specialized in DID, called CARE. I would meet incredible therapists who would become part of my treatment team, as well as other survivors the name aptly given to those with DID who could relate to me and I to understand them. And that is where I will leave my story today.

Speaker 1: 27:58

Next time on the Hopeful Perspective podcast, I will conclude my story by sharing what it meant to live with DID. What were the dark parts of my story? I was repressing that actually caused the disorder, as well as the incredible healing and redemption that would take place with Jesus Until then. I want to thank you for joining me along this journey and, if you'd be so kind to follow, subscribe, download and, most importantly, with podcasting, rate and review for others who may need the hopeful perspective, please know I greatly appreciate you. My desire is once again, to reach as many people with the message of hope that have lived lives as difficult and possibly as dark as I have, and you will be the reason this happens. So thank you so much in advance and until next time, remember you are loved.