Unyielding Faith and Overcoming Life's Greatest Trials: The Jason Hopkins Story Part 5

What happens when your life is shattered by unexpected challenges, but you find a way to rebuild through faith and resilience? Join me, Jason Hopkins, on a deeply transformative episode of the Hopeful Perspective podcast as I share my raw and personal journey with Dissociative Identity Disorder. From battling spiritual warfare to enduring the aftermath of a suicide attempt triggered by an extramarital affair involving my dissociative identities, I open up about the trials that tested my faith, marriage, and sanity. Alongside my wife Cassidy, our path to healing through counseling and unwavering belief in Jesus led to miraculous transformations and the rebuilding of trust in our relationship. Witness how we navigated these turbulent waters and came out stronger, discovering new opportunities in ministry that we never thought possible.

*The intro and outro music is entitled "Lite Saturation" composed by 'Epic,' utilized from the source Free Music Archive (FMA) and licensed for commercial and person use (CC BY-ND

Chapters

• 0:01 From Darkness to Redemption
• 13:40 A Pastor's Unforeseen Life Journey
• 22:53 Journey to Rediscovery and Healing

Transcript

Speaker 1: 0:01

Welcome to the Hopeful Perspective podcast. I am your host, jason Hopkins. If you are with me today, there's a real chance. You've already taken time to listen to the first four segments of my story, where I reveal the vision that this podcast can bring to your life and cause you to go from survivor to thriver, a victim to a victor, as well as from a hopeless sufferer to a hopeful storyteller. I'm grateful to have you along with me today and if this is your first time joining me, I hope that I can earn your support as an additional resource within your podcast library. So I encourage you now to grab your favorite snack, hot or cold beverage. Get comfortable and come on this journey with me, as I continue to share with you a most vulnerable, honest portrayal of my origin story.

Speaker 1: 0:48

In my desire to be as authentic as possible concerning me sharing my story, I feel it appropriate to disclose to my listeners the impact that sharing such vulnerable things has had on me to this point. The tangible spiritual warfare has risen to a level the past few weeks that I haven't experienced since initially discovering the reason. Dissociative identity disorder was formed within me at a young age. My sleep has been tumultuous, my confidence has been wavering and concerns flow in and out of my mind on a daily basis regarding me sharing my life experiences with people who could potentially be put into a position to judge me, or even my family. Yet I must be absolutely clear with you, my audience. While I have authentically complex emotions as a man disclosing some of the most personal aspects of my life to you, I am strengthened and encouraged by the warfare, in huge part because I recognize the increased capacity that I have been blessed with due to the very thing the enemy thought he could destroy me or my faith with. As in other attributes we see to him, the enemy of our soul is a liar, and the sooner we see the battle for what it is representative of, instead of being deceived by the lies he is a liar, and the sooner we see the battle for what it is representative of, instead of being deceived by the lies he is telling us, the sooner we experience the confidence and the peace of Jesus Christ amidst the storm. I would be lying to you, though, if I was to say this has always been the narrative of my faith.

Speaker 1: 2:21

Returning to my story, we left off me having awakened in a hospital room, having just attempted suicide in response to personality parts participating in an extramarital affair with a close family friend. The enemy declared full war on my dissociative system and now my dissociative identities worked in full sabotage mode to destroy all things that I had been given to support my family and I. My retaliation was a loud proclamation that I did not trust myself, nor my ability to rely on Christ in the integration of personalities and the trauma that they carried for my life. For all the accusations the enemy could make against me in regards to the trauma, I experienced being a victim who sought to seek retribution by harming those sent to help me through. The trauma was not one that was actually credible. I rather prided myself in my willingness to be a communicator that willingly utilized my suffering, my trials and my tribulations as evidence that God was not only real but also redemptive in his purposes. Whereas many leaders in his church seemed to fear vulnerability, I welcomed its risks and even proclaimed that remaining authentic in our own shortcomings is the only way to share Christ's love and grace to a broken and hurting world. Yet the unfolding events of sabotaging my support network, my ministry, my marriage and my family all but served as the knockout blow to this confidence, let alone my faith.

Speaker 1: 3:54

For months following my suicide attempt, I battled the darkest of depression as I pondered the double binds my wife had presented me with To choose to walk with Jesus and submit to his authority in my healing or stand to lose her and my children and their support. To those listening, you may be wondering how this was a question for me at all, given how supportive and loyal, gracious and loving Cassidy had been to me throughout the entirety of my life to this point. Yet one needs to understand that there had been powerful mind programs that I had been indoctrinated with that served to sabotage any intimate relationships that threatened the viability of my protective personalities. So there was no such thing as a simple solution to the double binds I was presented with. I agreed to remain in counseling with my therapist, who specialized in trauma recovery, and she served to be an incredible resource, making herself available for the entirety of my journey battling with Dissociative Identity Disorder. She also served as a resource for Cassidy all throughout the journey, even though she directed her to also acquire her own counselor to process her own trauma she faced. While walking this out with me.

Speaker 1: 5:07

The next couple years served my marriage the opportunity to heal from the trauma we experienced and I was granted the mercy to rebuild trust with my wife. Our faith was made stronger due to the warfare we experienced together. I became closer to Jesus, in large part due to the prayer journey I was on and the miracles I witnessed as personality parts submitted to him on the healing journey. Now I bore the scars of my dark past, from the etching on my body suffered during occult rituals to the dark memories experienced in post-traumatic stress disorder, to the attachment pain from lost relationships during our trials. But my intimacy with Christ served to increase and improve my capacity to handle the memories while trusting him with the pain of them. I was beginning to experience firsthand what integration looked like in the life of a survivor.

Speaker 1: 6:01

Despite the exponential healing that was taking place in our marriage and family, I would be dishonest with you if I shared that I ever saw a future for me in the church again. For starters, I had been conditioned to believe that anyone who had committed adultery is disqualified to serve in occupational ministry. I would venture to say that for many of you listening today, you have arrived at similar conclusions, maybe for similar reasons. I'm not here to debate the biblical position on the subject only to share with you my experiences. What I will say is that I was not looking to return to ministry when the opportunity was presented. As a matter of fact, following my release from my church position, I was granted offers to join the staff of a couple different churches, yet needed to consider the consequences that spiritual warfare would have on my family if I impulsively accepted any opportunity granted. As a result, I believe the correct decision was made by declining positions that would have otherwise been significant to our family income and, as time would reveal, turning down these offers served to save a lot of people.

Speaker 1: 7:10

The unnecessary pain as I would be walking outside of God's plan for the healing he had for me, the healing from past trauma I was able to experience in the five years between church positions, would not have been possible had I not had that sabbatical during that time of my life. So when I was invited to coffee one faithful day to sit down with a man who was the visionary of a local church plant, I surprisingly accepted the invitation. To be honest, I expected to come out of our shared time with mutual respect and understanding that, though the opportunities discussed seemed amazing, that my recent experiences would serve to disqualify me in some way. Yet what I shared with Cassidy upon finishing this divine coffee appointment shocked the both of us. This guy was undoubtedly one of the most vulnerable pastors I'd ever come across. As we shared our personal stories both in and out of the church, it was evident that this encounter was destined far beyond just the mutual friend who introduced us. We have often joked in our time since that only God would take a former dope addict from under the Burnside Bridge, with the father imprisoned for murder, and pair him with a mentally unstable orphan of 26 foster homes. He had come from a relatively local large church in his last ministry, as had I and like me had taken the last season off to experience healing in his life. Needless to say, I was surprised at what I had to share with Cassidy.

Speaker 1: 8:36

Coming out of our meeting together, we agreed that we ought not to be impulsive and respond too hastily to the opportunity presented to us. We committed to pray for the next steps that were appropriate for our family, and we asked our young kids to do the same. As we were intently listening to the Lord for His direction, we continued to visit the gatherings at the church plant, which, incidentally, were meeting at the same site. My wife was a teacher and my kids attended school. We were drawn to the half a dozen motorcycles that were parked at the front entrance into the gathering and then genuinely welcomed by all in attendance. This would all be the beginning of the next chapter in our family and a sort of test of how far we had come in the five years since. I still remember all of the firsts we experienced with, as Is Church, with fondness and, honestly, even a little bit of sadness. The reason for the latter I will discuss a bit later, but the pleasant memories were rooted in the new friends and family we were establishing.

Speaker 1: 9:33

I had been asked to utilize the ministry experience. I had to oversee the launch of our youth programs at the church and I eventually agreed to do this. Cassidy would eventually become part of this team and together we began forming the foundations of the family ministries program of the church, myself overseeing the junior high and high school age and Cassidy leading the pre-k to junior high age students. I recognized from the beginning that my call was not to be reduced into only the youth pastor and, together with our leadership team, we agreed on the temporary nature of this position I would fill until we grew as a faith family to support it. We were involved with our local outreach ministries, including the Love Shack, which was an old Aramark Laundromat van converted into a clothing closet of sorts. That went into the areas of downtown Portland that contained the local homeless population and looked to serve their very practical needs. I felt an affinity with a percentage of the population that had been written off due to mental health conditions or had fallen on hard times due to the recent recession. We would invite anyone we could to attend our growing restoration and recovery groups that met at various times and locations throughout the week. Most profound and perhaps indicative of our church vision as a whole was the multiple opportunities presented to share how God's love redeemed us in our own pain and suffering and how his hope was evident in our lives. One of the messages of the church was that we were welcome to come as we were or as is, but that we would not expect to stay that way.

Speaker 1: 11:04

The course of the next few years saw organic growth and development within the church and Cass and I experienced friends from our past who decided to come and check out what was happening in our new faith community. I continued to share from the depths of the darkness I experienced, and I stayed true to being transparent with anyone and everyone about my current battles concerning faith and warfare. Now my instances of switching personalities became fewer and far between, yet they did still occur. My triggers typically revolved around specific seasons or even dates, body memories, and I would expect to experience PTSD on a relatively frequent basis. I remained honest and transparent with the board of our church for the sake of being above reproach whenever I'd experience a switching event and in return, I once again was met with the mentality of a supportive family through the depths I'd experienced. This truly was healing to me and my entire system as the communication was received, but I did not have to live in secrecy nor fear of what happened in the event that I switched personalities. Looking back, these experiences enabled me to continue to grow and mature as a disciple as well as a leader.

Speaker 1: 12:18

Eventually, our church would grow to the ability to establish a full ministry team, and each one of us on the team proved an integral aspect in carrying the ministry and vision of the church. Perhaps the most beautiful part of the ministry of as Is was that the team came from a full spectrum of theological and doctrinal backgrounds. Yet we would check our egos and our biases on issues considered secondary at the door and came together to form a culture unified on the primary focus sharing God's love with a broken and hurting world. Loving God, loving others and changing lives. We experienced an influx of people after a while that were bought into the premise and recognized that in order for the vision to move forward, it required that healed people seek to help people. Throughout the first part of the history of our church, the group prayed about where best the ministry could be effective in our geographic region. As a result, we made a number of moves all throughout the county as doors were opened, and these moves all served to grow the character and the body of the church. As we lived out the vision we were entrusted with. Whereas physical moves tend to thwart the growth of churches, in the general sense it was as though the Lord was protecting the mission and vision of as-is. Through each and every step we were growing as a natural organism.

Speaker 1: 13:40

Throughout my time at the church, I put my passion and education to use through the biblical counseling of people who came to me with their own issues, from trauma, drug and alcohol addictions, former exposure or involvement in cults, marital and premarital counseling or whatever might be the case, I was able to walk with the broken and share the hope of Christ for their situations. I found a synchronism with people in their own suffering and persecution as we walked together. I was asked to perform the wedding ceremony for a number of couples, and my only prerequisite was that the couple participate with me in premarital counseling, where we discuss the biblical worldview as it pertained to the primary tenets of marriage. Though not every couple I met with necessarily finished this thorough process, any couple I personally officiated did indeed submit to this most profound exercise of putting their own worldviews to the test and deconstructing them when they did not pass the biblical text. Many of the couples and families I was able to walk this process out with became members of our church small group that my wife and I were leading, became members of our church small group that my wife and I were leading. Others became key leaders in our church and all of a sudden we had an organic discipleship ministry established. Eventually, I would be asked to oversee the whole of our discipleship ministry at our church, helping to establish the mission and values that helped us to live out what our church family was called to within our communities. I entrusted the leadership of a number of our more wise and experienced couples, some who had been a part of the church family since the beginning. We recognize with, as Is Church, that the true value in living out the mission and vision, in sharing the gospel and growing to be like Christ is most effectively achieved when we serve together as a team.

Speaker 1: 15:23

And it was on my way to our small group one fateful night in October of 2017 where I was involved in a car accident just minutes away from my destination. I was going through a green light when a car coming the opposite direction turned into my lane and we struck head on. Our family minivan was totaled and the subsequent medical testing I underwent unearthed facts that would forever change my life. I will never forget the meeting I had with my chiropractor, who was doing work with me following the accident and we were going over tests. He ordered of my neck and head incident. And we were going over tests. He ordered of my neck and head. Now, it just so happened.

Speaker 1: 15:58

The chiropractor was one of my friends and I sensed from the very beginning of our appointment that something was off. He proceeded to share with me the discovery of a brain tumor found on my brain stem. Within the matter of just a couple weeks, I was in the doctor's office of a neurosurgeon and was being informed that, though I bore no symptoms that I was aware of that, I would need to have a rare brain surgery scheduled for the removal of this tumor. That posed a significant danger on both my livelihood, if not my very life. Now you may already be thinking that, being a pastor, I was equipped with all I needed to handle news of this magnitude, and I could see where presumptions can be made along that way. Truthfully, my faith and that of my family served to provide a level of peace that defied the logic and the reasoning of our difficult situation.

Speaker 1: 16:45

With the tumor being discovered in October, my surgery was planned for February, valentine's Day no less. We were surprised with the expedience of my medical team and the urgency with which this process moved. Aside from being a pastor, I was also thoroughly enjoying being a youth basketball coach, and I was blessed with the opportunity of coaching all three of my kiddos and their teams at one point or another. My oldest daughter, a middle schooler by this point, was blessed with being a part of a team that had been playing together since early grade school. By the time my surgery was to occur, this team had already competed and won a state championship and barely missed out on another, and were undoubtedly the favorites to repeat A team mother, who also happened to create t-shirts, came up with the Hopkins Strong shirt, made in the school colors that was featured all throughout our community youth basketball program. My church family basketball family and the community we were part of showed incredible support for me in my difficult situation. Though Valentine's Day would be forever changed with my surgery, we felt a deep love from those we were surrounded with. A whole group of loved ones met, cass and I at the hospital the morning of our surgery, and they surrounded me and covered me in prayer before I was admitted.

Speaker 1: 18:02

I'll never forget the ominous feeling of counting backwards while the anesthesiologist put me under, nor the feeling of being conscious what seemed only a few short seconds. Later I learned that they, two neurosurgeons who performed the surgery, were able to take out 99% of the tumor, though I lost enough blood to almost require a transfusion. They were hoping the surgery would be four to five hours and it ended up requiring almost 11. I was informed by my family that I woke from surgery in high levels of pain, that I was unable to receive pain medicine until I demonstrated a certain proficiency of neurological skills and understanding. I vaguely remember those first few days coming out of surgery, nor the people who were there to show a physical and moral support for us. Within a few days I was released to go home to begin the rehab process. Little did I know all that was to be put before me.

Speaker 1: 19:00

My oldest daughter and her basketball team were set for the state tournament taking place annually in Central Oregon. Not long after I came home, I insisted stubbornly that, though I wasn't necessarily feeling back to my old self, that I wanted to be in attendance to support her and her team. Though we were taking a calculated risk, coming out of brain surgery days before and not being around my normal medical team, so to speak, we set out as a family and made the three-hour car trip to where the girls were playing. I had come out of the hospital with a double vision and barely had the capacity for conversation. Yet I would not miss this event for the world. I vaguely recall asking my wife to escort me down the bleacher stairs and to where our team was warming up prior to their first game, and this is where, in between broken words, I gave the girls their pregame pep talk. Now they easily defeated their opening opponent, but it would be the last game I would be able to see of what would be another state championship run by our girls.

Speaker 1: 20:03

That night, in our hotel room, I became violently ill and I was forced to return home with my wife and father-in-law. Within a couple of days I was back in brain surgery, having been diagnosed with meningitis and a dangerous form of staph infection. They were required to go back into my skull, literally scrub out the infection with a wire, brush their words, not my own, and then I was sent home with the most powerful antibiotics. I was administered an intravenous drip that supplied these antibiotics for four months. I was administered an intravenous drip that supplied these antibiotics for four months, required at-home therapy to go along with the physical, occupational and even speech therapy I was already in treatment for.

Speaker 1: 20:44

You see, I had come out of my dual brain surgeries, having a difficult time seeing, walking, talking and even a worse time relating to my family and friends, as I once had. It would literally take the greater part of a calendar year to establish what could be considered a new normal for me. I remember feeling a wide spectrum of emotions that I had little control of, ranging from anger to joy. I had difficulty sleeping. I experienced trouble communicating with my family. I had trouble connecting with my family. I had trouble connecting with God in a way I had never experienced before, and this led me down a rabbit hole of discouragement and depression. The further away from my surgery dates we went, the more alone we were feeling as a family. I recall experiencing moments of paranoia and pain where I struggled with not being good enough, capable enough, nor strong enough for my family and the people we loved. I had already handed off my responsibilities before my surgeries, including some of the things I derived the most value from Coaching my son's basketball team, pastoring, counseling. I had been learning about CrossFit. Pre-surgery Fitness had always been important to me, and now I could barely walk in a straight line, let alone seek to improve on my fitness and training.

Speaker 1: 22:11

My life underwent a complete and drastic change following brain surgeries and my subsequent diagnosis, in a way I never experienced, even as a foster kid, so many years before. Yet there was one detail I have yet to explain to you in how brain surgery impacted my life. This was actually in the form of an answered prayer raised up by my nine-year-old son. A prayer that served to change the course of my life was to take. This would change the perspective I would have on life moving forward and, more specifically, how I would operate in a faith I now had to reclaim following these drastic changes. But you guessed right. This is where I will leave my story today.

Speaker 1: 22:53

Next time, on the Hopeful Perspective podcast, I will continue my story by sharing what it meant to rediscover Jesus, to define a new normal and to pursue an additional depth of healing. I will share the actual healing of old diagnosis, the discovery of new ones and how my perspective of love and loss, faith and family has formed with the hopeful perspective today. Until then, I want to thank you for joining me along this journey and, if you would be so kind to follow, subscribe, download and, most importantly, with podcasting, to rate and write a review for others who may need this hopeful perspective, know I greatly appreciate you. My desire is to reach as many people with the message of hope that have lived lives perhaps as difficult and dark as I, and you will be the reason this happens. So thank you so much in advance and until next time, remember you are loved.