Glitched: My Story of Overcoming a Traumatic Brain Injury Part 1

Welcome back to the Hopeful Perspective Podcast after my unexpected hiatus. Today's deeply personal episode marks the beginning of an honest conversation about living with traumatic brain injury (TBI) and how it fundamentally altered my life, ministry, and relationships.

Seven years ago, I underwent what was supposed to be a routine five-hour procedure to remove a walnut-sized tumor from my brain stem. That surgery stretched to eleven hours when the neurosurgeon's drill malfunctioned, plunging into my vision center. Days later, I contracted a rare staphylococcal meningitis infection requiring a second emergency brain surgery and months of IV antibiotics. These physical challenges, though immense, were just the beginning.

The most profound changes happened within my personality and cognitive abilities. My voice inflections flattened, my laugh and smile changed, and emotional regulation became difficult. Communication problems meant I often sounded angry when I wasn't, creating tension during family interactions. After a comprehensive neuropsychological assessment one year post-surgery, I learned devastating news: my brain stamina had reduced to one-third of its previous capacity, my cognitive function was permanently impaired, and maintaining employment would be impossible.

These changes forced me to confront profound questions about identity, purpose, and calling. How do you redefine yourself when everything you've built your life upon – ministry, communication abilities, personality – suddenly changes? For me, faith became the only solid ground in this earthquake of identity. 

If you're struggling through your own life-altering circumstances, I pray this candid glimpse into my journey offers perspective and hope. Remember to subscribe and leave a review if this message resonates with you. Your support helps us reach others who need to hear that hope remains even in life's darkest moments.

Chapters

• 0:00 Welcome Back After Hiatus
• 3:36 Spiritual Battles and Mental Fatigue
• 7:28 Living With a Traumatic Brain Injury
• 9:25 The Day of My Brain Surgery
• 16:35 Family Impact and Personality Changes
• 21:30 Neuropsychological Assessment Results
• 23:01 Closing Prayer and Invitation

Transcript

Speaker 1: 0:00

Welcome to the Hopeful Perspective Podcast. I am your host, jason Hopkins. This podcast is designed to give you a perspective of hope that impacts your daily life in an authentic and tangible way. I aspire to give you a glimpse of how my own life has been impacted so tremendously, and so I chose to take six full episodes and share with you my own personal life story, which illustrates God's glory. Through experiences overcoming child abuse and trauma, 26 foster homes and institutions, various diagnoses affecting me throughout my life and an eventual brain tumor resulting in multiple brain surgeries on my brain stem, I have moved from being merely a surviving victim to a faithful and thriving victor who the Lord has motivated to help others discover hope. Though my past was full of pain and suffering, I have been restored with purpose and sanctification. I have been redeemed and called to follow Christ within that redemption and renewed perspective. If you want to hear more of this transformation, I want to encourage you to listen to these first six episodes, if you have not already. If you have been able to, I now want to help you to develop and deepen a biblical and hopeful perspective as you approach differing situations in your own life, from the delightful to the difficult and everything in between. Thank you, rhythm immensely to spread in our reach. We have provided a few options to contact our show with your direct feedback, as I absolutely value your interaction. You can do so on your favorite podcast platform or even utilize our Facebook page, simply entitled the Hopeful Perspective. We would also invite you to support the podcast financially. If you are called to partner with us in bringing hope to a hurting world, just click the embedded links found on any episode. You are called to partner with us in bringing hope to a hurting world, just click the embedded links found on any episode you are downloaded on your podcast platform.

Speaker 1: 2:11

Before we get started today, I want to compel you, as always, to grab your favorite snack, hot or cold beverage. Get comfortable and come on this journey with me as we discuss my few-month hiatus from podcasting. Why's been a while, hasn't it? Most recently, I've overcome the flu, in which you may perceive the after effects of this in my voice. Yet I am here today to let you all in on a lot more than a couple of viruses that have taken me out the last couple weeks.

Speaker 1: 2:56

I have decided to dedicate this episode, and possibly the few after, to revealing to you all the various issues that have been happening in my life that have created this hiatus the past few months. See, after going strong for the first four months of podcasting, creating 23 episodes for you, my listeners, I ran into a wall for the gap between then and now, and I needed to have a break so that I could come to an understanding what that wall was if I was to scale the obstruction to my success in my podcasting journey in bringing you all the fulfilling content I desire. In doing so, I came to recognize a number of levels to this wall. The first level to the wall was this Like anything, this is a battle that was spiritual and I was being targeted specifically by the demonic dominions and its hordes due to me finding meaning and purpose in something like podcasting.

Speaker 1: 4:00

Beyond the previous perception of losing my calling when I had to retire from ministry after brain surgery and its manifestations of physical, mental and even emotional repercussions on my life, now I was under a spiritual attack that thought I would be rendered weak at a place I had found new purpose and mission. But what did this attack look like? I began to experience an increase of triggers to my post-traumatic stress disorder that affects my nightly sleep. You see, I've lived with this my entire life, and my spiritual disciplines have been key in the battle that wages for my nighttime peace. However, I can always tell when the triggers are increased due to stressors in my life and whenever I am unable to get rest. Of course, this affects the rest of my livelihood. The attack also came in the form of multiple health issues that I will cover later, as these have more so to do with issues from my traumatic brain injury.

Speaker 1: 4:55

The second level I uncovered was this there was indeed a component to this that was indeed cognitive and mental health related in nature. What do I mean by this? Well, by my last few episodes recording, there was a heaviness of sorts that, though, could be described in part to the spiritual battle taking place. I could tell I was mentally fatigued. To the average person, preparing and recording one episode for a podcast would have little to no effect For me. I knew, going in, I needed to be aware of my stamina, and for the first couple months I had felt strong, motivated and filled up with the podcast.

Speaker 1: 5:37

Now I was feeling a heaviness and a downcast that I did not want to attribute with creating content, especially at this established pace. Now people around me asked if I needed to back off to recording every couple weeks versus the weekly pace I had established. Now, certainly my listeners would understand, and I know you all would but this wouldn't address the key issues underneath. If I am able to create content that either does not honor the Lord and His heart or doesn't fulfill what I know are the principles and the values he's asked me to, then I'm uninterested in podcasting or creating content at all. So I needed to get to the root of this heaviness, beyond the spiritual warfare, and I believe that I have been able to. You see, if you have been with me through the first 23 episodes, you'll have learned that transparency and authenticity matter not just to me, but it is paramount to the Lord and the Christian walk he asks of us to lead.

Speaker 1: 6:37

Though I don't feel as though I have necessarily deceived any of you, I realize that through the creation of the content I have made through my podcasting to this point, I may not be sharing the full extent of the battles of the life that I live and how that can affect me on the daily grind or compound over time, affecting projects such as podcasting, this unintentional and uninformed duplicity of creating content that could present one way, when I am battling a host of difficult matters and measures, undiscussed, I find, was leading to both stress and even burnout. What I am discussing here is how living with a TBI or traumatic brain injury, affects my daily life and all that's in it. Sure, I discussed this in an episode amongst the six that I talk about my life's journey, yet I don't go into a whole lot of detail as it pertains to the daily struggle and the battle, and this all leads me to the final layer of it all Praying and seeking the Lord in his face to move forward and get back to creating the whole perspective content that honors him and brings hope to others. I would like to bring you into this world of what it means to live with a traumatic brain injury. So far, of all my podcasting videos that have had success, the most popular have been those discussing my life when I live with dissociative identity disorder, which is never surprising as people are always drawn to what is rare or unheard of. I figure that more people will recognize and understand TBIs due to the increased commonality compared to, say, did. Chances are you know of someone, or have heard of one, who has had a brain injury or has had a TBI resulting from brain surgery or even a car accident. Yet my hope with sharing with you is for you to understand it from the perspective of someone who lives with a TBI, how it impairs cognitive thinking, emotion, personality, relationships, marriage, my children, how it affected my ministry, my faith, so on and so forth. Knowing I have family affected through all this, I really only want to primarily expose my experiences giving dignity to the rest of my family to the best of my ability. Anything I share about them will have been with their permission, of course.

Speaker 1: 9:04

So for the next few episodes, I would like to speak to you candidly on what the effects of living with literal brain damage are on a man trying to honor Christ. I want to let you into my life as a man who lives with the TBI and show you what battle looks like and also demonstrate how, though complex and difficult it is, this battle too belongs to the Lord. I want to take you back seven years into the final leg of my journey to the hospital on a snowy February morning as my wife drove me to my brain surgery appointment to remove that walnut-sized tumor from my brain stem. February 14th it was and, believe it or not, I can remember it as though it were yesterday and I can feel all those feelings. It was as though I was just going to have a minor dental cleaning, just to return home to my wife and three young kids whole and healthy. Mind you, that was the level of faith and optimism both of us felt driving through the snow.

Speaker 1: 10:10

I can recall showing up to the hospital where approximately 20 of my closest friends, family and small group, had all gathered to pray over me, and then I was ushered back to a couple hours of pre-surgery preparations, which actually flew by, but not near as fast as when I counted backwards on the operating table, going under anesthesia, and then, all of a sudden, I remember waking up it was all over For me. It was as though the whole experience was a matter of seconds. I didn't realize. I came to under major anesthesia with multiple staples in the back of my head. I listened as my wife and the steady stream of guests who came in and out of the room filled me in on the events of what was an 11-hour brain surgery that was scheduled to be only five, that I had lost so much blood I almost required a transfusion that the neurosurgeon had an accident he had never experienced in his previous 2,500 craniotomies.

Speaker 1: 11:06

You see, the drill has an automatic stopping mechanism once it goes past the bone of the skull as not to plunge into the brain. It goes past the bone of the skull as not to plunge into the brain and in my case this disengaged and the drill indeed did plunge into the back part of my vision center of my brain and the neurosurgeon was uncertain what this would mean for my vision going forward. I listened as my kids asked me if I was still in pain, as apparently they had heard me yelling and screaming down the halls in the ICU holding room where they had to temporarily take me off of all anesthesiology to test cognitive function following the surgery. And yet all of this to me felt like a matter of seconds from being back in pre-op. Graciously, mercifully, I couldn't remember any of it, so I was able to smile back at my family and my friends and show that I was okay and that I was me Sure. I had a lot of trouble talking and my vision was indeed distorted as it doubled over itself and I was in the hospital a week in order just to use the bathroom and to be set up, with all the programs that would be coming to my home to assist in my recovery Occupational therapy, physical therapy, at-home nurses. This would be my new life for the better part of the next year.

Speaker 1: 12:23

But before we delve into this, an important detour has to be taken, For it was a week after my surgery that my 7th grade daughter is having her state championship basketball tournament three hours away from home. Should I be going a week after brain surgery? My wife has the prudent opinion of the caretaker that this is not the brightest of ideas I've ever had. But regardless of how dehabilitated I am, I am still stubborn and resilient. So I compromise to get a doctor's approval. They acquiesce as long as I am close to some medical care. I still remember going to that first round playoff game my wife walking me down to the girls as they prepare and warm up on the basketball court, the seven or eight of them eagerly gathering around me as I give them some garbled version of a pregame speech to pump them up and let them know that I was behind them. I could barely follow their actions up and down the court, but they decisively disposed of their first-round opponent that night.

Speaker 1: 13:23

Unfortunately for me. I ended up deathly ill as I went to sleep that night, to the point that I was rushed home and back to the emergency room. To the point that I was rushed home and back to the emergency room. The problem I had contracted staphylococcal meningitis, a rare but serious bacterial infection covering the meninges of my brain. Due to the surgery and the prosthetic they had put in my head, I was rushed back into brain surgery to have the infection literally scrubbed out and to be filled with powerful antibiotics. I was in the hospital another couple days to have the infection literally scrubbed out and to be filled with powerful antibiotics. I was in the hospital another couple days only to be sent home with an IV in my arm that I would have to wear and carry around for the next four months. I can still hear the sound of that alarm going off in the middle of the night, if the cord kinked at all, going into my arm. So, two weeks into recovery and I have two brain surgeries and now another specialist added to my health care team, known as disease and infection.

Speaker 1: 14:22

Aside from the game and second surgery, I can vaguely remember my first month being back at home. My wife tells me stories of family friends who are nurses, which gave her a helping hand with me, with meals, all my medications, even helping to bathe me. Now, the truth is, as a 38-year-old man, I'm just grateful. I don't recall being bathed by my nurse friends, though I don't question whether they dignified me in the process. Underneath it all, I'm still as human as can be. I do remember the second month fighting like crazy to return back to normal life, particularly my ministerial and even preaching duties.

Speaker 1: 15:00

I was still battling the infection in my body the first time I came back to church, so, preaching from the stage, I did so with a 103 degree temperature. I wasn't sure I could remain standing the whole time, as was my customary approach, though somehow the Lord sustained me and I don't mean I could remain standing the whole time, as was my customary approach, though somehow the Lord sustained me and I don't mean this in any way hyper-spiritually. Everything that happened that first time I returned to church was as much to encourage and edify my spirit as it was our church body that, by His upholding me, he is still good, that God's promises are indeed yes and amen. I do not recall the message I preached that day. I do remember some of the people whom I trust to give me sober and not hyper-spiritual responses, claiming that it was some of the best preaching that the Holy Spirit had done through me. This demonstrated to me as much as to anyone else that day that the Holy Spirit works through whoever and whatever he wants, whenever he wants to.

Speaker 1: 16:02

As I had no clue as to the condition I was in that day, nor did I understand how different I was to the man that had stood there preaching just months prior, there were several events that would play out in my life the next few months that, due to my cognitive difficulties, made it difficult for me to interact in a productive manner conducive for other parties. Some of these pertained to my role in the church, as major visions and plans had been shaping while I had been away, healing and brain surgery. Upon my return, I found it evident, due to my own newfound cognitive dissonance and difficulties, as well as church divisional changes not necessary for detail here, that I no longer could see where I fit in, the place where I had once helped found, build and lead under the Lord's direction. This led into some very difficult conversations that the enemy exploited what was already a painful situation for my family and I became downright dreadful. In one full swoop I felt the loss of my purpose, my ministry, my calling, my ability to provide and even, to some extent, my greater family at large. I wasn't sure I had ever experienced so much loss at one particular point from one decision before in my life. I understood the old adage, what it meant to add insult to injury. Mercifully, though, offending members who felt led to repented and asked for forgiveness for their role in the manners in which they were exploited by the enemy, and bring in my wife and I the pain that we experienced. And as hurt as we were, we were just as willing to grant them forgiveness, even though we knew this would not change any outcomes.

Speaker 1: 17:53

Yet the impact on my brain injury, cognitive impairment, dissonance, dysfunction or whatever else it can be termed, was felt to no place greater than that of my own home. In the first year I had difficulty regulating my emotions. I had little to no issue processing information, or so I thought, as far as going into social situations or being on the home front. The difficulty came in communicating verbally what my thought processes were. I can attest that nothing is as stifling as being unable to communicate effectively what your particular thoughts or feelings, though you can articulate them inside your head. This internal frustration poured out externally onto my wife and my kids, but perhaps I'm out of order in describing the home front.

Speaker 1: 18:43

To begin with. You see, the traumatic brain injury actually resulted in my baseline personality being affected in the following ways. My general vocal annotations were now off. How I used to communicate, for example, I was more monotonal or just lacking inflection. Where I once showed the Jason personality, my laugh completely changed. According to my wife and kids, even my smile was visibly different. So you can imagine how this all affects basic communication in areas such as when you are attempting humor.

Speaker 1: 19:23

One area of major conflict with my wife and I occurred whenever there was discipline of the children. As my communication, due to my tones, was so difficult to read, I would come off far angrier than I intended to. This actually affected conversations both with my children as well as my wife. She actually suggested I sit out any conversations that involved disciplining the kids so as not to further complicate the situations. Of course, I found this difficult not to hear another key role in life where I would be sidelined that as an influencer, a voice and the father of my children. Yet let's be real friends.

Speaker 1: 20:00

I am not disillusioned to think that the trauma I was experiencing was my own to bear. All the while I felt pain for all that was occurring. I'm keenly aware of how my family is being re-traumatized from having a father that was one time dissociative, with multiple personalities, and now the one personality that they could trust was forever being changed. One thing had become clear a year in I was different than I desired to be, and I wasn't sure if these were just ill effects of the surgery that would change over time, or were these now the new permanent digs that I would forever find myself wearing? You see, some may just think that I would come out of surgery, living through all of this, not knowing anything, to be different or better, but for me, I acutely remember who and what I was before surgery and now I was like a prisoner in this new body, comparing myself with a virus that had affected the operating system, and I wasn't sure if there was a way to rid myself of it. And a visit to what is known as a neuropsychologist at the one-year mark would be the tell-all. Every brain surgery survivor sees the neuropsych after a year, once everything has settled, in order to see what the new normal of the TBI patient has become, I would have to undergo 8 hours of rigorous IQ level, cognitive, behavioral and emotional function testing. What I learned at the end of that day changed my life, forever going forward.

Speaker 1: 21:40

End of that day changed my life forever going forward. I found out that, due to my TBI, my brain stamina had been greatly reduced, to the point that I had approximately one-third of my previous amount and ability. My cognitive function was permanently impacted, though to what extent was truly unknown. My previously diagnosed dissociative identity disorder was no longer present, a phenomena not before seen, as I discussed in previous episodes. Yet simultaneously, this was an answer to my 9-year-old son's prayer prior to brain surgery I would not be able to hold a job due to the deficiencies caused by the traumatic brain injury. Now there are far more technical or clinical terms, I'm certain were used. Yet I wanted you, as my listeners, to understand the more clear practical applications and the impact on my family and I.

Speaker 1: 22:31

I walked away from this appointment once again in my life, questioning my identity, my calling, my purpose and really my reason. I was feeling hopeless. I once again needed to turn to the only one who could ground me and to silence the chaos that had surrounded me, I needed to turn to the only one who could give me hope. And for today, that is where I want to place a comma.

Speaker 1: 23:02

Now, my friends, regardless of where you are on your spiritual journey as it pertains to following Christ, I pray that, as you are listening, you are not undergoing just mere information transference, but rather you are sensing the Spirit talking directly to you Because, friends, in my experience, the Holy Spirit, he's deeply personal and with Him there are no accidents or incidents, coincidences or instances where he is not weaving His redemptive work in your life. Rather, as we are joined together right now on a podcast, as Jesus declared 2,000 years ago from a hillside sermon, we have an opportunity to join the kingdom of heaven. You have reason to have significant hope in your life right now. Perhaps you are sensing the Spirit moving you toward Him today through even this podcast, and I would be remiss if we left our time today without providing an opportunity for us to respond. And I want to pray for you right now.

Speaker 1: 24:06

So, for all of you listening, I want you and your spirit to either agree with this prayer and lift those up praying it for the first time, this prayer to the Lord to be blessed and to be drawn to him. Lord Jesus, I sense you drawn me in. I hear your whispers and your beckoning and though I do not understand them all, I want to acknowledge you in them. Now, for some of you who have never said yes to Christ, this may be what you are sensing and I want to pray with you. Now, lord Jesus, I repent of my sins and I surrender my life to you. Wash me and cleanse me from all unforgiveness and pride that has blocked me before. I believe that you are the Messiah and the one true God. You are the Son of God. I believe that you died on the cross for the forgiveness of my sins and you rose again on the third day for my victory. I believe that in my heart and make confession with my mouth that you, jesus, are my Lord and my Savior and that the kingdom of heaven is both now and forever.

Speaker 1: 25:12

I want to live my life according to your terms and I want you to change my reliance on myself and any earthly vessels or vices in which I have previously placed hope. Instead, I want to trust your plan and ask for you to put the people, the processes and the plans to pursue forgiveness, restoration and recovery in my life where I am still feeling broken inside. I ask for you to reveal to me where I have neglected the needs of those around me, who Thank you for being a part of your mission and I entrust myself to your equipping and sending, as you will. Thank you for being a God of mercy, a God of healing and a God of truth, a God of hope. Might I become a beacon of hope to the hurting. May I be one who shows and shares eternal life with those on their way to spiritual death. Make me your salt, help me to be your light, show me your ways, lord, give us the spiritual eyes to see on earth as it is in heaven, and may our priorities begin to reflect your heart and your kingdom. It's in your name, jesus, that we pray all of these things Amen.

Speaker 1: 26:36

If you have today agreed with this prayer from the depths of your heart, I either welcome you to the eternal family of God, or perhaps you felt Jesus compelling you to return to Him. Like me, having been gone months from podcasting, you have been gone away from the fellowship and restoration of the Lord, and you hear Him calling you back today, whether you are new to the family or returning, I say welcome home. And now I want to encourage you to find a church faith family who worships the Lord passionately, is committed to the teaching and preaching of the scriptures and is committed to serving the community and beyond. Also, devote yourself to the reading of the scriptures, as there is so much to grow, to learn, to be discipled in as it pertains to new life and maturity in Christ. The Lord has so much in the way of hope to show his children in his love letters that he has written to them. And hopeful family. This has been my pleasure to come back to you to spend the morning or the afternoon, the evening, whichever time you're listening, growing and learning with you.

Speaker 1: 27:39

I look forward to tuning in next time on the Hopeful Perspective podcast, where we will continue discussing my journey dealing with the TBI and the lessons that you can personally use to draw near Christ and His kingdom through it all.

Speaker 1: 27:53

Until then, I want to thank you for joining me along this journey, allowing me to share from my heart today and, if you would be so kind again as to follow, subscribe and, most importantly, rate and write a review for others on your podcasting platform, others who may need the hopeful perspective in their life? And again, did you know that you can contribute financially to our show by pressing our support the show link that is embedded on your platform in the episode descriptions? If you believe in what we do, I would cherish your prayerful giving to the cause. I want to shout out my gratitude to the multiple new donors who already have made this commitment to support the podcast financially. Support the podcast financially. Without you, it would not be possible to reach as many people with the messages we do, or anyone who needs to be reminded that hope is real. So thank you so much in advance. Until next time, remember you are loved.